Three Men on a Hike

From my friend Beverly

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, The first man prayed:

'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'


Poof! .. God gave him big arms and strong legs And he was able to swim Across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.



After witnessing that, the second man prayed: 'God, please give me Strength and the tools to cross the river'


Poof! .. God gave him a rowboat and strong arms And strong legs and he Was able to row across in about an hour After almost capsizing once.


Seeing what happened to the first two men, The third man prayed: 'God,please give me the strength, The tools and the intelligence To cross the river'


Poof! .. He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, Hiked one Hundred yards up stream And walked across the bridge.


'If at first you don't succeed, do it the way your wife told you!' 

Enduring Love

Warning - contains PG-13 language. Or, language a 13 year-old may use.

THIS IS NO LAUGHING MATTER

On his way to work, a driver swerved to avoid a box that fell from a truck. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving.

But another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policemen retrieved the box and found that it contained tacks. "Nonetheless," the first trooper told the driver, "I have to write you a ticket." Amazed, the driver asked why. The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."

Kim :)

The Onion: Poll: Mitt Romney Is Candidate Most Voters Want To Get Into Bar Fight With

Poll: Mitt Romney Is Candidate Most Voters Want To Get Into Bar Fight With

Bob in Trouble (Don't ever assume what you think is happening, doesn't desire the repercussions)

Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4-letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time."

New Company Policy

We had our annual layoffs again yesterday so the item below is becoming a lot more relevant.

Dear Employee:

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future.

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Severe Late-Aged Personnel).

Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.

SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW.

SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.

This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).

As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our:

Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.

Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.

And, once again, thanks for all your years of service.

The Ten Rules of Housekeeping

From my dad. We really weren't raised this way though.

1. Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.
   
2. Dust bunnies can evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Rename the area under the couch "The Galapagos Islands" and claim an ecological exemption.
   
3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5 and leave it alone.
   
4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?"
   
5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.
   
6. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand sewn play animals for underprivileged children.
   
7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."
   
8. If dusting is really out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist, "This is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes."
   

*Walking Recovery*

From my dad....

An old fellow came into the hospital truly on death's door due to an infected gallbladder. The surgeon who removed the gallbladder was adamant that his patients be up and walking in the hall the day after surgery, to help prevent blood clots forming in the leg veins. The nurses walked the patient in the hall as ordered, and after the third day the nurse told how he complained bitterly each time they did. The surgeon told them to keep walking him.

After a week, the patient was ready to go. His family came to pick him up and thanked the surgeon profusely for what he had done for their father. The surgeon was pleased and appreciated the thanks, but told them that it was really a simple operation and we had been lucky to get him in time.

"But doctor, you don't understand," they said, "Dad hasn't walked in over a year!"

Trunk Monkey

No car should be without one?

From my dad: *Murphy's Laws on Computers*

• As soon as you delete a worthless file, you'll need it.
• Installing a new program will always mess up at least one old one.
• You can't win them all, but you sure can lose them all.
• The likelihood of a hard disk crash is in direct proportion to the value of the material that hasn't been backed up.
• There are only two kinds of computer users: Those whose hard disks have crashed, and those whose hard disks haven't crashed yet.
• Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it. If you fiddle with something long enough, you'll break it.
  

Will I Live To Be 80?

I recently chose a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"

"No," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and asked, "Then why do you give a shit?"

Rabbit vs Snake

For the truly bored...