The Village Voice: Nation: Mondo Washington: The Martial Plan by James Ridgeway

The Village Voice: Nation: Mondo Washington: The Martial Plan by James RidgewayWASHINGTON—Every day the U.S. looks more like a police state.



An internal Justice Department probe, based on surveillance videos made by the government inside federal detention facilities, shows that the U.S. harassed, beat, and kept in solitary confinement without access to family or lawyers men it picked up off the streets of New York after 9-11. More likely than not, these men were seized on grounds that some cop or FBI agent thought they looked like Osama followers. Or that a business partner or neighbor decided he could get the man's money or property by charging him first with theft and then telling the cops, "Oh, by the way, I think the guy is Al Qaeda," a claim that one magistrate after another accepted as the reason to set bails so high no one but a millionaire could pay to get out.



And this doesn't even scratch the surface of what's been going on. Lawyers were not told the numbers of courtrooms to where their clients were being shuttled because the room locations were secret. Members of Congress, government, the press, and the judiciary knew from the very get-go that any FBI agent, acting on his or her own, could make an affidavit asserting that any individual was a suspected terrorist.



Every day, Ashcroft and Bush work the country toward something like martial law, though the administration has suffered setbacks, like last week's rulings by two federal appellate courts in Padilla v. Rumsfeld and Gherebi v. Bush. Both of those decisions, for now at least, hamper the government's ability to simply lock up suspects indefinitely.



But the government has other targets and other ways of dealing with them. The most recent crackdown seems to be on the foreign press—the source of much of the substantial critique of its policies.



U.S. immigration authorities are detaining foreign correspondents on grounds they have not obtained special visas permitting them to operate here, reports the Associated Press. True, there is a law stipulating a special visa for journalists, but few have ever heard of it and it is seldom enforced. No more. No one ever told the visiting journalists it had suddenly been revived. As a result, immigration officials aren't allowing reporters from abroad to come in under ordinary 90-day tourist visa waivers.



Peter Krobath, chief editor for the Austrian movie magazine Skip, was seized and held overnight in a cold room with 45 others who landed without visas. Is he an Osama follower? A disguised fedayeen from Saddam's clan? No. He is guilty of flying to the U.S. to interview Ben Affleck.



Thomas Sjoerup, a photographer for the Danish paper Ekstra Bladet, had to give the American authorities fingerprints, a mug shot, and a DNA sample, and he was promptly sent back home anyway.



Six French journalists were marched across a terminal at Los Angeles International Airport in handcuffs, having had their belts and shoelaces removed. The International Press Institute, based in Vienna, along with the International Federation of Journalists, headquartered in Brussels, is protesting this treatment.



The U.S. response? An embassy official in Vienna insisted that the government was only acting in accordance with the letter of the law.

Spell this word

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.

She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her, "Hello, How are you ! We've been waiting for you ! Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in ?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been ?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion And, my wife and I travelled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer. How do I get in ?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word ?" her husband asked

"Czechoslovakia."

Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry ... there'll be Hell to pay later.

Man says he gave wife toilet seat as gift


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Dec. 23, 2003 | LONGMONT, Colo. (AP) -- Gary and Karri Clark haven't forgotten their second Christmas together. He knew she wanted bathroom accessories, so he wrapped up a couple of gifts and waited.

The toilet seat and towel rack didn't go over too well.

"Here I thought I was doing good," he recalled with a laugh. "It was something she can always use, day after day. It's the gift that keeps on giving."

The Clarks were among those who responded to requests by the Daily Times-Call newspaper to share their stories about bungled gifts and best intentions -- the waffle makers, blenders and vacuum cleaners given with love and practicality in mind that will never be forgotten or forgiven.

Karri Clark admits she wanted a new toilet seat a decade ago because there was a crack in the old one. She just didn't think she'd get one gift wrapped.

"I could not believe it," she said. "What man gives you a toilet seat for Christmas?"

Stan Stanley said he learned his lesson about practical gifts in the early 1980s after presenting his wife with a garage door opener one Christmas. There was no entrance from the garage into the house, a source of irritation for Connie Stanley.

"I was so excited about opening it. I had no idea what it was," she said. After 57 years of marriage, she said, she has to forgive Stan when he makes a mistake like that.

Tom Tinkle remembers giving his wife a birthday blender and how she did a wonderful job of oohing and aahing before setting the box aside. When she finally took the blender out of the box, she discovered a sapphire bracelet slipped inside.

"It was a surprise for her and possibly made her rethink her opinions of her doofus husband giving her a bonehead blender for a gift," Tinkle said.

Gary Clark admits his bathroom gifts were out of desperation: It was Christmas Eve, he was at Kmart and he couldn't think of what to buy his wife.

"She wanted it, but not for Christmas," he said. Since then, he's done better: His wife received a Ford Explorer for her birthday this year.

St. Louis Post-Dispatch

The retailer that stole XMAS

ST. LOUIS POST-DISPATCH



Saturday, December 20, 2003



N ORTH POLE -- Troubled toy maker Santa Claus Inc., (NYSE: XMAS) (this week) announced that had filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection, the latest victim of the retailing juggernaut that is Wal-Mart Inc.



Santa N. Claus, XMAS chairman and CEO, said his 2,000-year-old firm would lay off 2,500 workers at its North Pole toy factory. Claus said manufacturing would be shifted to factories in China and Korea.



Claus also announced the liquidation of "certain livestock assets," specifically, eight tiny reindeer working in XMAS' delivery operations. "We can't afford on-time delivery any more," Claus said bitterly, "not when Wal-Mart has people coming to 4,300 stores around the world to pick the stuff up for themselves."



The action by XMAS follows the announcement last week that the upscale FAO Schwarz toy company had sought bankruptcy protection. In November, Toys "R" Us, the $11 billion toy chain, announced a $38 million third-quarter loss, closed 182 stores and laid off 3,000 workers.



Over the past year, FAO Schwarz has closed its Zany Brainy stores, and Toys "R" Us has closed 146 Kids "R" Us clothing stores and its Imaginarium toy stores. Toys "R" Us shares have dropped 73 percent to around $11.75 in the past decade.



Not coincidentally, in the past decade Wal-Mart has more than doubled its share of the nation's annual $25 billion toy business. Nearly one in every four dollars spent on toys in the United States goes to Wal-Mart.



Claus explained, "Take your Hokey Pokey Elmo, the `it' toy for this year. Wal-Mart is selling Hokey Pokey Elmo at $19.46. That's 30 percent under list and about what it costs me to make it. They sell toys at low margin and make it up on volume. Plus they use toys as loss leaders, getting people into their stores and selling them other stuff while they're there. I don't sell tires and groceries and besides, the delivery costs would kill me. Man doesn't live on milk and cookies alone, you know."



Economists predicted that competing with Wal-Mart would make Claus' operation more efficient. "Wal-Mart is the greatest thing that ever happened to low-income Americans," W. Michael Cox, chief economist of the Federal Reserve Bank of Dallas, told The New York Times. "They can stretch their dollars and afford things they otherwise couldn't."



Meanwhile, at Wal-Mart headquarters in Bentonville, Ark., a company spokesman said the firm would soon debut "Sammy Claus," a Christmas mascot modeled on the company's late founder, Sam Walton. "Sammy Claus and his trusty bird dog, Roy, will fly through the air in a magic bass boat pulled by an old pickup truck," the spokesman said. "Sammy Claus will wear a blue vest, and instead of `Ho, ho, ho,' he'll be saying, `Low, low, low."'



Informed that Sammy Claus would soon be coming to town, Santa Claus was philosophical. "I guess I can get a job as a greeter at Wal-Mart."

Salon.com News | "This is not America"

Salon.com News | "This is not America": "Afterward, many observers said the same thing: 'This is not America.' Civil libertarians, though, worry that -- in an era when legitimate homeland security fears have begun to edge over into hysterical paranoia about 'anarchists' -- it might offer a glimpse of where America's response to protest is headed. "

Thanks from a grateful nation

Salon.com News | Dearly deported: "Just months after Zeferino Colunga Sr. lost his GI son in Iraq, the government arrested him and sent him back to Mexico. "

Got to love those fun loving Republicans

Cruisin' for a Bruisin' December 9, 2003: "The plan by House Majority Leader, Tom 'the Hammer' DeLay, to quarantine Republican politicians, donors, and delegates on a cruise ship in the Hudson during next year?s Republican National Convention has been sunk. But for Bush opponents, there sure is a lot of blood in the water. With Democrats hooting and howling, and many fellow Republicans quietly wincing, DeLay caved, but only after letting the controversy play out for a while, so determined was he to have his colleagues stay docked off Manhattan Island. The dramatic debacle revealed that the Republicans?including Tough Guy DeLay?are wimps of the first order, scared to death of mingling among the Clinton-loving, sodomite-friendly masses. "

Microsoft fires worker over weblog

Microsoft fires worker over weblog: "As the weblogging phenomenon has taken off, there have been isolated incidents around the country in which companies fired employees for posting in their personal weblogs work-related material that executives consider compromising or inappropriate. But Hanscom appears to be the first person let go for that reason from Microsoft, where an ever increasing number of employee webloggers regularly post work-related material."

What I am reading

Dry: A Memoir

by Augusten Burroughs

One of the best books I have read in years. Highly recommend.

“I was addicted to “Bewitched” as a kid. I worshipped Darren Stevens the First. When he’d come home from work and Samantha would say, ‘Darren, would you like me to fix you a drink?’ He’d always rest his briefcase on the table below the mirror in the foyer, wipe his forehead with a monogrammed handkerchief and say, ‘Better make it a double.’” (from Chapter Two)

New York Daily News - Daily Dish & Gossip - Rush & Molloy: Tasteless gags Maher a Hillary tribute

New York Daily News - Daily Dish & Gossip - Rush & Molloy: Tasteless gags Maher a Hillary tribute: "'Queer Eye' guy Carson Kressley asks Cher in Us Weekly who she'd most like to have as a co-joined twin. Attorney General John Ashcroft, she says. 'So I could influence him a bit - or just beat the s-- out of him.' Kresley notes that Cher doesn't seem to be a Republican, 'Are you kidding me?' she says. 'I'd rather stick needles in my eyes' ..."

I like John Kerry more and more

New York Post Online Edition: news: "December 6, 2003 -- Struggling 2004 Democratic wannabe John Kerry fires an X-rated attack at President Bush over Iraq and uses the f-word - highly unusual language for a presidential contender - in a stunning new interview with Rolling Stone magazine. "

Things you have to believe to be a Republican today

• Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you?re a conservative radio host. Then it?s an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.
  
  
  
  
• The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
  
  
  
  
• Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.
  
  
  
  
• ?Standing Tall for America? means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India.
  
  
  
  
• A woman can?t be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
  
  
  
  
• Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.
  
  
  
  
• The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans? benefits and combat pay.
  
  
  
  
• Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican.
  
  
  
  
• If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won?t have sex.
  
  
  
  
• A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.
  
  
  
  
• HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public at heart.
  
  
  
  
• Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.
  
  
  
  
• Global warming and tobacco?s link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
  
  
  
  
• Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush?s daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a ?we can?t find Bin Laden? diversion.
  
  
  
  
• A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.
  
  
  
  
• Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
  
  
  
  
• The public has a right to know about Hillary?s cattle trades, but George Bush?s driving record is none of our business.
  
  
  
  
• You support states? rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have a right to adopt.
  
  
  
  
• What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the ?80s is irrelevant.
  
  
  
  
• Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
  

Pfizer Corp. announced today that VIAGRA will soon be available in

liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage?

suitable for use as a mixer.?



It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.??

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and

it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a

good old fashioned "stiff drink".??



Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: "MOUNT & DO."

Light Bulb

Two bone weary public servants were working their little hearts and souls out. Their department was just too busy for staff to be able to take flex. But there had to be a way........



One of the two public servants suddenly lifted his head. "I know how to get some time off work," the man whispered.



"How?" hissed the blonde at the next workstation.



Instead of answering, the man quickly looked around. No sign of his Director. He jumped up on his desk, kicked out a couple of ceiling tiles and hoisted himself up. "Look!" he hissed, then swinging his legs over a metal pipe, hung upside down.



Within seconds, the Director emerged from the Branch Head's office at the far end of the floor. He saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he thought he was doing.



"I'm a light bulb," answered the public servant.



"I think you need some time off," barked the Director. "Get out of here -that's an order - and I don't want to see you back here for at least another two days! You understand me?"



"Yes sir," the public servant answered meekly, then jumped down, logged off his computer and left.



The blonde was hot on his heels.



"Where do you think you're going?" the boss asked.



"Home," she said lightly. "I can't work in the dark."