The Globe and Mail: "Redlands, Calif. — Spike Lee, whose movies often have a political edge, says Americans need to think more about important issues and lay off the fluff.
'We as a people are more concerned with J.Lo and Ben Affleck than these so-called weapons of mass destruction,' he told 750 people who gathered Tuesday night at the University of Redlands. "

Funny Definitions

BUYAGRA: Stimulant to be taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.



MENICILLIN: Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. Can we get naked now?"



ST. MOM'S WORT: Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.



EMPTY NESTROGEN: Highly effective supplement that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.



PEPTO-BIMBO: Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.



DUMMEROL: When taken with Pepto-bimbo, can cause lowering of IQ, causing enjoyment of loud country music and cheap beer.



FLIPITOR: Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.



JACKASSPIRIN: Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, or phone number.



ANTI-TALKSIDENT: A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.



NAGAMET: When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as nagging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.



DAMMITOL: Take two and the rest of the world can go to hell for 8 hours!

Doctors - Home Remedy

If you want a quick fix for flagging energy levels there's no better snack than a banana. Bananas contains three natural sugars --sucrose, fructose and glucose -- combined with fiber one banana gives an instant, sustained and substantial boost of energy. Research has proven that just two bananas provide enough energy for a strenuous 90-minute workout. No wonder the banana is the number one fruit with the world's leading athletes. But energy isn't the only way a banana can help us keep fit. It can also help overcome or prevent a substantial number of illnesses and conditions making it a must to add to your daily diet.



Depression: According to a recent survey undertaken by MIND amongst people suffering from depression, many felt much better after eating a banana. This is because bananas contain trypotophan, a type of protein that the body converts into serotonin known to make you relax, improve your mood and generally make you feel happier.



PMS: Forget the pills -- eat a banana. The vitamin B6 it contains regulates blood glucose levels, which can affect your mood.



Anemia: High in iron, bananas can stimulate the production of hemoglobin in the blood and so helps in cases of anemia.



Blood Pressure: This unique tropical fruit is extremely high in potassium yet low in salt making it the perfect to beat blood pressure. So much so, the US Food and Drug Administration has just allowed the banana industry to make official claims for the fruit's ability to reduce the risk of blood pressure and stroke.



Brain Power: 200 students at a Twickenham (Middlesex) school were helped through their exams this year by eating bananas at breakfast, break and lunch in a bid to boost their brain power. Research has shown that the potassium packed fruit can assist learning by making pupils more alert.



Constipation: High in fiber, including bananas in the diet can help restore normal bowel action, helping to overcome the problem without resorting to laxatives.



Hangovers: One of the quickest ways of curing a hangover is to make a banana milkshake, sweetened with honey. The banana calms the stomach and, with the help of the honey, builds up depleted blood sugar levels, while the milk soothes and re-hydrates your system.



Heartburn: Bananas have a natural antacid effect in the body so if you suffer from heartburn, try eating a banana for soothing relief.



Morning Sickness: Snacking on bananas between meals helps to keep blood sugar levels up and avoid morning sickness.



Mosquito bites: Before reaching for the insect bite cream, try rubbing the affected area with the inside of a banana skin. Many people find it amazingly successful at reducing swelling and irritation.



Nerves: Bananas are high in B vitamins that help calm the nervous system.



Overweight and at work?: Studies at the Institute of Psychology in Austria found pressure at work leads to gorging on comfort food like chocolate and crisps. Looking at 5,000 hospital patients, researchers found the most obese were more likely to be in high-pressure jobs. The report concluded that, to avoid panic-induced food cravings, we need to control our blood sugar levels by snacking on high carbohydrate foods every two hours to keep levels steady.



Ulcers: The banana is used as the dietary food against intestinal disorders because of its soft texture and smoothness. It is the only raw fruit that can be eaten without distress in over-chronic ulcer cases. It also neutralizes over-acidity and reduces irritation by coating the lining of the stomach.



Temperature control: Many other cultures see bananas as a 'cooling' fruit that can lower both the physical and emotional temperature of expectant mothers. In Thailand, for example, pregnant women eat bananas to ensure their baby is born with a cool temperature.



Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD): Bananas can help SAD sufferers because they contain the natural mood enhancer, trypotophan.



Smoking: Bananas can also help people trying to give up smoking. The B6, B12 they contain, as well as the potassium and magnesium found in them, help the body recover from the effects of nicotine withdrawal.



Stress: Potassium is a vital mineral, which helps normalize the heartbeat, sends oxygen to the brain and regulates your body's water-balance. When we are stressed, our metabolic rate rises, there by reducing our potassium levels. These can be rebalanced with the help of a high-potassium banana snack.



Strokes: According to research in 'The New England Journal of Medicine' eating bananas as part of a regular diet can cut the risk of death by strokes by as much as 40%!



Warts: Those keen on natural alternatives swear that, if you want to kill off a wart, take a piece of banana skin and place it on the wart, with the yellow side out. Carefully hold the skin in place with a plaster or surgical tape!



So you see, a banana really is a natural remedy for many ills. When you compare it to an apple, it has four times the protein, twice the carbohydrate, three times the phosphorus, five times the vitamin A. and iron, and twice the other vitamins and minerals. It is also rich in potassium and is one of the best value foods around.



So maybe its time to change that well-known phrase so that we say,



"A Banana a day keeps the doctor away!"

The Village Voice: Features: Mondo Washington: Let George Undo It by James Ridgeway: "s of this week, at least, the Bush campaign is running on the success of the 'war against terror'—in Iraq and Afghanistan and at home. This is an attempt to deflect attention from what's happening with George W. Bush's main base of support: corporate execs rewarding his policies on taxes, the environment, and other business issues with more and more campaign cash. "

---

The Gospel of Supply Side Jesus - A BuzzFlash Reader Commentary: "A BUZZFLASH GUEST CONTRIBUTION
from Al Franken and Don Simpson
Read 'The Gospel of Supply Side Jesus' and then see Al on the 'Fair and Balanced Tour'"

Salon.com | When corrections need correcting: "So, Wolfowitz and the administration might prove to be right after all. Not about Iraq's ties with bin Laden before the invasion. Nor about the nonexistent weapons of mass destruction the president used to scare up support for war. But by turning its claim that Iraq is the 'central front' in the war on terrorism into a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Without this claim, the president's men would be revealed as imperial adventurers who wasted the lives and resources of this country to redraw the map of the world. That scheme, including 'preemptive military intervention,' can be traced to a 'Defense Planning Guidance' document prepared by Wolfowitz in 1992 when he was Cheney's undersecretary of defense for policy. "

The Village Voice: Features: Richard Goldstein: The Great Butch Hope by Richard Goldstein: "Gender is the great unspoken force in American politics. It's every bit as powerful as race and class, perhaps more so because it seldom gets addressed. The fear and loathing that feminism inspires in many men (most of whom won't admit their terror) have enabled the Republicans to adapt the racial strategy that won them the South to the contours of sexual politics. The result is a gender gap in which straight white men tend to root for Republicans while women and minorities lean Democratic. This alignment is the reason why Al Gore beat Bush in the popular vote. "

Color Me Dangerous September 16, 2003: "First we got color codes from the Department of Homeland Security. Remember when they raised the terror alert to orange and urged us to clear the store shelves of duct tape? (By the way, did you know that almost half of the duct tape in this country is suspiciously made by one Ohio company whose owner happened to be a big Republican donor?) Now, the Transportation Security Administration, created after 9/11 with the intention of protecting us in the air–and which is under attack for spending lots of money while still showing alarming lapses in safeguards–has decided to color-code each and every one of us the moment we buy a plane ticket. You won’t know it, but they’ll be assigning you a hue, color-coding your name in a computer soon after you trudge into the airport. Think of it as electronic tattooing or high-tech branding, all in the name of the war on terror. "

The Village Voice: Features: Come Out Fighting by Rick Perlstein: "I fantasize about the Democratic nominee kicking off his campaign with a TV spot like this:
Picture a man standing in an office, handsome, serious. It is Rand Beers, a former top Bush administration counterterrorism expert, looking into the camera and telling America the exact same words he told The Washington Post this past June when he resigned from his job with the National Security Council and joined the John Kerry presidential campaign: 'The administration wasn't matching its deeds to its words in the war on terrorism. They're making us less secure, not more secure.' (The words appear along the bottom of the screen, for emphasis: They're making us less secure, not more secure.) "

No license plate holders allowed in Texas?-Fiction!: "The eRumor says that as of September 1, 2003, it is illegal in the state of Texas to have a bracket around your license plate...the kind that have names of dealerships, sports teams, etc."

Paul Krugman, New York Times Columnist and Author of "The Great Unraveling: Losing Our Way in the New Century" - A BuzzFlash Interview: "BUZZFLASH: As a professor, if you were giving a lecture and you had to define the economic policy of the Bush administration, could you get your arms around it? How would you define it?
KRUGMAN: There is no economic policy. That's really important to say. The general modus operandi of the Bushies is that they don't make policies to deal with problems. They use problems to justify things they wanted to do anyway. So there is no policy to deal with the lack of jobs. There really isn't even a policy to deal with terrorism. It's all about how can we spin what's happening out there to do what we want to do. "

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not (2003): "This genre-busting movie has the appearance of a love story but morphs into a thriller, told cleverly in a nonlinear style. Think 'Sliding Doors' crossed with 'The Sixth Sense,' with a little 'Memento' thrown in."

THINGS TO PONDER

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunkydunk."


Can you cry under water



How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?



If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?



Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?



Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?



Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?



Why does a round pizza come in a square box?



How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?



Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wakeup like every two hours?



If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?



If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?



Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?



Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?



How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?



Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.



If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?



I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!



Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?



Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.



My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.



Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.



Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?



If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!



Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

The Bull!

A man took his wife to the Rodeo and one of the exhibits was that of breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife poked her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife hit her husband and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife got really excited and said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow."

The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and should make a full recovery.

General Negligence Home News Article - Slack & Davis, L.L.P. www.slackdavis.com

Guardian Unlimited Politics | Special Reports | This war on terrorism is bogus

A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years.





As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it looking for money and guns but only finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair.







While tying the girl up to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.





While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you"





To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you, too."....

Salon.com Technology | One nation, united under economic antidepressants

Flight Reports

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe

sheets before the next flight.



Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.



(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)

(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)



P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.



P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.



P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.



P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.



P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.



P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.



P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.



P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're there for.



P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.



P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.



P: Engine on right wing missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.



P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.



P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.



P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.



P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.