The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.
The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS. This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE
The bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is . . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . . and even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life . . . Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Sunday, May 28, 2006
GIZ WIZ BIZ - all about Gizmos & Gadgets!
My new favorite podcast. I have always loved Mad Magazine and gadgets. Can't beat the combination.
GIZ WIZ BIZ - all about Gizmos & Gadgets!: "It's true, Leo Laporte, the founder of TWiT and Dick DeBartolo, The Giz Wiz, are together again!
On Monday, February 20th, we started a daily gadget podcast called THE DAILY GIZWIZ! We're on on iTunes, AOL Radio and lots of other places! We have thousands of daily subscribers already, but now we're power crazy and we want more! Monday through Thursday we talk about one new gadget each day, and on Friday's we go to the Giz Wiz Warehouse and talk about a strange or break-through gadget of the past! Join us please. I think you'll find it good fun! And each podcast is under ten minutes, so you don't have to pay that much attention! Follow this link to learn all the places were you can subscribe to the Daily GizWiz: http://twit.tv/dgw1"
GIZ WIZ BIZ - all about Gizmos & Gadgets!: "It's true, Leo Laporte, the founder of TWiT and Dick DeBartolo, The Giz Wiz, are together again!
On Monday, February 20th, we started a daily gadget podcast called THE DAILY GIZWIZ! We're on on iTunes, AOL Radio and lots of other places! We have thousands of daily subscribers already, but now we're power crazy and we want more! Monday through Thursday we talk about one new gadget each day, and on Friday's we go to the Giz Wiz Warehouse and talk about a strange or break-through gadget of the past! Join us please. I think you'll find it good fun! And each podcast is under ten minutes, so you don't have to pay that much attention! Follow this link to learn all the places were you can subscribe to the Daily GizWiz: http://twit.tv/dgw1"
SPECIAL CHILDREN WILL NEED SPECIAL DADS AND MOMS
DEAR ABBY: Years ago you printed a poem that said God sends children with special needs to special parents because he knows that they will be well cared for. (These were children with various disabilities.) I wish you would print that poem once again. I am sure it would help many parents who have a disabled child. -- FAITHFUL ILLINOIS READER
DEAR FAITHFUL READER: The poem is very moving, and I'm pleased to reprint it. It was written 50 years ago by Edna Massimilla of Hatboro, Pa., the widow of a pastor, when their daughter, a child with Down syndrome, was born. (She is now with the Lord.) When I spoke with Edna -- who is 90 -- she explained that she wrote the poem to emphasize that every creation is for a purpose, and she's still writing poems and songs especially for children with disabilities. Read on:
HEAVEN'S VERY SPECIAL CHILD
A meeting was held quite far from Earth
It was time again for another birth.
Said the Angels to the Lord above --
"This special child will need much love.
"Her progress may be very slow
"Accomplishment she may not show.
"And she'll require extra care
"From the folks she meets down there.
"She may not run or laugh or play
"Her thoughts may seem quite far away
"So many times she will be labeled
"'different,' 'helpless' and disabled.
"So, let's be careful where she's sent.
"We want her life to be content.
"Please, Lord, find the parents who
"Will do a special job for you.
"The leading role they are asked to play.
"But with this child sent from above
"Comes stronger faith, and richer love.
"And soon they'll know the privilege given
"In caring for their gift from heaven.
"Their precious charge, so meek and mild
"Is heaven's very special child."
DEAR FAITHFUL READER: The poem is very moving, and I'm pleased to reprint it. It was written 50 years ago by Edna Massimilla of Hatboro, Pa., the widow of a pastor, when their daughter, a child with Down syndrome, was born. (She is now with the Lord.) When I spoke with Edna -- who is 90 -- she explained that she wrote the poem to emphasize that every creation is for a purpose, and she's still writing poems and songs especially for children with disabilities. Read on:
HEAVEN'S VERY SPECIAL CHILD
A meeting was held quite far from Earth
It was time again for another birth.
Said the Angels to the Lord above --
"This special child will need much love.
"Her progress may be very slow
"Accomplishment she may not show.
"And she'll require extra care
"From the folks she meets down there.
"She may not run or laugh or play
"Her thoughts may seem quite far away
"So many times she will be labeled
"'different,' 'helpless' and disabled.
"So, let's be careful where she's sent.
"We want her life to be content.
"Please, Lord, find the parents who
"Will do a special job for you.
"The leading role they are asked to play.
"But with this child sent from above
"Comes stronger faith, and richer love.
"And soon they'll know the privilege given
"In caring for their gift from heaven.
"Their precious charge, so meek and mild
"Is heaven's very special child."
Saturday, May 27, 2006
Memorial Day Joke (Kim Komando)
ARE YOU COOKING THIS MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND?
David, a chef, liked to relax at the zoo. In particular, he found the
sloth fascinating. He would watch it hang for hours. When a co-worker
complained of stress, David suggested he watch the sloth. Other chefs
joined in. Eventually, David arranged for all the chefs to go together.
But as they watched, the sloth fell and rolled into a moat. To the
chefs' horror, the water boiled furiously, roasting the sloth! David
quickly realized what had happened. "We should have known better!" he
shouted. "Too many cooks boil the sloth!"
David, a chef, liked to relax at the zoo. In particular, he found the
sloth fascinating. He would watch it hang for hours. When a co-worker
complained of stress, David suggested he watch the sloth. Other chefs
joined in. Eventually, David arranged for all the chefs to go together.
But as they watched, the sloth fell and rolled into a moat. To the
chefs' horror, the water boiled furiously, roasting the sloth! David
quickly realized what had happened. "We should have known better!" he
shouted. "Too many cooks boil the sloth!"
Thursday, May 25, 2006
Australia!: My Weekend Alone (in pictures)
Australia!: My Weekend Alone (in pictures)
Can't wait to visit Australia in June. I have always wanted to go there and it will be doubly fun to be there with Rachel and her brother Russell!
Can't wait to visit Australia in June. I have always wanted to go there and it will be doubly fun to be there with Rachel and her brother Russell!
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Sunday, May 21, 2006
Bush Joke
President Bush recently went to a primary school in Macon, Georgia, to talk
about the world. After his talk, he asked if the children had any questions.
One little boy put up his hand, and the president asked him his name.
"Kenneth."
"And what is your question, Kenneth?"
"I have three questions:
1 ... Whatever happened to the weapons of mass destruction?
2 ... Why did you give a tax break to the super wealthy?
3 ... Did you steal votes to win both elections?"
Just then the bell rang for recess. President Bush informed the kiddies that
they would continue after recess. When they resumed, the President said "OK,
where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"
A different little boy put his hand up. Bush pointed him out and asked him
his name.
"Larry."
"And what is your question, Larry?"
"I have five questions:
1 ...Whatever happened to the weapons of mass destruction?
2 ...Why did you give a tax break to the super wealthy?
3 ...Did you steal votes to win both elections?
4 ...Why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
5 ...What happened to Kenneth?"
about the world. After his talk, he asked if the children had any questions.
One little boy put up his hand, and the president asked him his name.
"Kenneth."
"And what is your question, Kenneth?"
"I have three questions:
1 ... Whatever happened to the weapons of mass destruction?
2 ... Why did you give a tax break to the super wealthy?
3 ... Did you steal votes to win both elections?"
Just then the bell rang for recess. President Bush informed the kiddies that
they would continue after recess. When they resumed, the President said "OK,
where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"
A different little boy put his hand up. Bush pointed him out and asked him
his name.
"Larry."
"And what is your question, Larry?"
"I have five questions:
1 ...Whatever happened to the weapons of mass destruction?
2 ...Why did you give a tax break to the super wealthy?
3 ...Did you steal votes to win both elections?
4 ...Why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
5 ...What happened to Kenneth?"
Saturday, May 20, 2006
ANNUAL NEOLOGISM CONTEST
From my dad.
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to
its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings
for common words. The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.) the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.) appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.) to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.) impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.) describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly
answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.) to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.) olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run
over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.) a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.) a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.) the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n) a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.) a person who sprinkles his conversation with
Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.) (back by popular demand): The belief that,
when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.) an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by
Jewish men.
The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to
take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's
winners:
1. Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright
ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign
of breaking down in the near future.
2. Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period.
3. Giraffiti (n) Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
4. Sarchasm (n) The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
person who doesn't get it.
5. Inoculatte (v) To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
6. Hipatitis (n) Terminal coolness.
7. Osteopornosis (n) A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
8. Karmageddon (n) It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's
like, a serious bummer.
9. Decafalon (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.
10. Glibido (v) All talk and no action.
11. Dopeler effect (n) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter
when they come at you rapidly.
12. Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
13. Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into
your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
14. Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the
fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an a__hole.
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to
its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings
for common words. The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.) the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.) appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.) to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.) impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.) describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly
answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.) to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.) olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run
over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.) a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.) a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.) the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n) a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.) a person who sprinkles his conversation with
Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.) (back by popular demand): The belief that,
when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.) an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by
Jewish men.
The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to
take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's
winners:
1. Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright
ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign
of breaking down in the near future.
2. Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period.
3. Giraffiti (n) Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
4. Sarchasm (n) The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
person who doesn't get it.
5. Inoculatte (v) To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
6. Hipatitis (n) Terminal coolness.
7. Osteopornosis (n) A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
8. Karmageddon (n) It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's
like, a serious bummer.
9. Decafalon (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.
10. Glibido (v) All talk and no action.
11. Dopeler effect (n) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter
when they come at you rapidly.
12. Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
13. Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into
your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
14. Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the
fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an a__hole.
Friday, May 12, 2006
"Kingdom Coming: The Rise of Christian Nationalism"
Now if this doesn't scare you....
Salon.com Books | "Kingdom Coming: The Rise of Christian Nationalism": "Still, it's worth noting that thousands of Americans nationwide have flocked to rallies at which military men don uniforms and pledge to seize the reins of power in America on behalf of Christianity. In many places, local religious leaders and politicians lend their support to AVIDD's cause. And at least some of the people at these rallies speak with seething resentment about the tyranny of Jews over America's Christian majority.
'People who call themselves Jews represent maybe 2 or 3 percent of our people,' Cabaniss told me after a January 2005 rally in Austin. 'Christians represent a huge percent, and we don't believe that a small percentage should destroy the values of the larger percentage.'"
Salon.com Books | "Kingdom Coming: The Rise of Christian Nationalism": "Still, it's worth noting that thousands of Americans nationwide have flocked to rallies at which military men don uniforms and pledge to seize the reins of power in America on behalf of Christianity. In many places, local religious leaders and politicians lend their support to AVIDD's cause. And at least some of the people at these rallies speak with seething resentment about the tyranny of Jews over America's Christian majority.
'People who call themselves Jews represent maybe 2 or 3 percent of our people,' Cabaniss told me after a January 2005 rally in Austin. 'Christians represent a huge percent, and we don't believe that a small percentage should destroy the values of the larger percentage.'"
Thursday, May 11, 2006
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Church News
"Dear Lord," the preacher began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."
He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?"
Church was pretty much over at that point...
He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?"
Church was pretty much over at that point...
Sunday, March 26, 2006
Voting Republican
Subject: Voting Republican
What You Need To Believe To Be A RepublicanWhat You Need To Believe To Be A Republican*
Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton
Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and
combat pay.
If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.
Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health care to all Americans is socialism. HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.
Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.
Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and
combat pay.
If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.
Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health care to all Americans is socialism. HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.
Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.
Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.
Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and
you need our prayers for your recovery.
Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and
you need our prayers for your recovery.
Supporting "Executive Privilege" for every Republican ever born, who will be born or who might be born (in perpetuity.)
What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.
Support for hunters who shoot their friends and blame them for wearing orange vests similar to those worn by the quail.
Feel free to pass this on. If you don't send it to at least 10 other people, we're likely to be stuck with more Republicans in '06 and '08.
Friends don't let friends vote Republican.Powered By Qumana
What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.
Support for hunters who shoot their friends and blame them for wearing orange vests similar to those worn by the quail.
Feel free to pass this on. If you don't send it to at least 10 other people, we're likely to be stuck with more Republicans in '06 and '08.
Friends don't let friends vote Republican.Powered By Qumana
Which Superhero are you?
Your results:
You are Superman
Click here to take the "Which Superhero am I?" quiz...
You are Superman
| You are mild-mannered, good, strong and you love to help others.  |
Click here to take the "Which Superhero am I?" quiz...
Friday, March 24, 2006
QUOTE
"Senator, when you took your oath of office, you placed your hand on the Bible
and swore to uphold the Constitution. You didn't place your hand on the
Constitution and swear to uphold the Bible." -- Constitutional law professor
Jamie Raskin, to a Maryland Senate committee on marriage equality
and swore to uphold the Constitution. You didn't place your hand on the
Constitution and swear to uphold the Bible." -- Constitutional law professor
Jamie Raskin, to a Maryland Senate committee on marriage equality
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
Movie theaters may ask to jam cell phones - Yahoo! News
Movie theaters may ask to jam cell phones - Yahoo! News: "AS VEGAS (Reuters) - Movie theater owners faced with falling attendance are considering asking federal authorities for permission to jam cell phone reception in an attempt to stop annoying conversations during films, the head of the industry's trade group said on Tuesday.
ADVERTISEMENT
Industry leaders at the ShoWest conference for theater owners want to find ways to win back crowds."
ADVERTISEMENT
Industry leaders at the ShoWest conference for theater owners want to find ways to win back crowds."
Monday, March 13, 2006
Russell and Jack
Jack was very happy to have anyone hold him. Seemed to find Uncle Russell especially comfortable.
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