I am so proud of myself, I did not forward this to everyone.
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Even if you don't speak Dutch, this is funny
HEMA is a Dutch department store. The first store opened on November 4, 1926, in Amsterdam. Now there are 150 stores all over the Netherlands . HEMA also has stores in Belgium, Luxemburg, and Germany . In June of this year, HEMA was sold to British investment company Lion Capital.
Take a look at HEMA's product page . You can't order anything and it's in Dutch but just wait a couple of seconds and watch what happens.
Take a look at HEMA's product page . You can't order anything and it's in Dutch but just wait a couple of seconds and watch what happens.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Aspiring Pol Changes Name To Pro-Life
Now why didn't I think of this?
A Senate candidate has legally changed his name to Pro-Life and will appear on the ballot that way this year, state election officials say.As Marvin Pro-Life Richardson, the organic strawberry farmer from Letha, 30 miles northwest of Boise, was denied the use of his middle name when he ran unsuccessfully for governor in 2006 because the state's policy bars the use of slogans on the ballot.
Now, though, officials in the Idaho secretary of state's office say they have no choice because Pro-Life is his full and only name.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Priceless
This is of course is why I have a blog - it keeps me from forwarding jokes to the world.
A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper Sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally...I assumed you had stolen the car."
A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper Sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally...I assumed you had stolen the car."
Friday, February 15, 2008
TGI Friday
It has been a long week.
Last night I came home and found a big Styrofoam box on my doorstep from Omaha Steaks. There was a greeting offering condolences to Barbara for the loss of her mother. I unpacked the box and put the steaks in the freezer, after Barbara comes home we can thaw some out and see what they taste like.
Yesterday I went to John's school for to discuss his transition from high school in a year. I left the meeting feeling more positive about the future than I have from similar meetings in the past. At the end I mentioned that I had probably spoke more than I had ever in all the previous meetings since Barbara was not there to answer all the questions. She certainly is more up on the answers to those questions than I am.
From all reports the funeral last Monday was a success. Barbara has close to 100 first cousins and is one of seven children so it makes sense that the church would be packed. Barbara gave the closing prayer at the service, and James and Rachel participated in a grand children's chorus. I wish I could have been there of course but it just wasn't feasible.
John has been spending a lot of quality time with his attendant this week and will spend more this weekend. Should be fun.
Last night I came home and found a big Styrofoam box on my doorstep from Omaha Steaks. There was a greeting offering condolences to Barbara for the loss of her mother. I unpacked the box and put the steaks in the freezer, after Barbara comes home we can thaw some out and see what they taste like.
Yesterday I went to John's school for to discuss his transition from high school in a year. I left the meeting feeling more positive about the future than I have from similar meetings in the past. At the end I mentioned that I had probably spoke more than I had ever in all the previous meetings since Barbara was not there to answer all the questions. She certainly is more up on the answers to those questions than I am.
From all reports the funeral last Monday was a success. Barbara has close to 100 first cousins and is one of seven children so it makes sense that the church would be packed. Barbara gave the closing prayer at the service, and James and Rachel participated in a grand children's chorus. I wish I could have been there of course but it just wasn't feasible.
John has been spending a lot of quality time with his attendant this week and will spend more this weekend. Should be fun.
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
Friday, February 01, 2008
Sonny and Cher
I have to say this made me tear up a little bit. This was (is still really) one of my favorite songs. Made me think of old friends that sometimes I get reunited with.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
Sunday, January 06, 2008
Back to normal
Rachel flew back to Utah yesterday for her last semester in law school. Time flies whether or not you are having fun, but it is always fun having Rachel around. Barbara goes back to work on Monday and if I can get John up Tuesday morning he will be heading back to school also.
Saturday, January 05, 2008
Thursday, January 03, 2008
Monday, December 31, 2007
From my dad on his birthday: Wise Old Saying
Don't sweat the petty things,
Don't pet the sweaty things.
Don't pet the sweaty things.
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Club says winning essay in Hannah Montana contest was a fake
If I wasn't already cynical enough, I read this in today's newspaper. Apparently the girl's mother helped with the winning essay. She did admit that the information was false though.
Club says winning essay in Hannah Montana contest was a fake: "GARLAND — A 6-year-old girl who won four tickets to a Hannah Montana concert with an essay that falsely claimed that her father had died in Iraq won't be going to the show after all....
"We did the essay, and that's what we did to win. We did whatever we could do to win," Ceballos told Dallas TV station KDFW on Friday. "But when (Caulfield) asked me if this essay is true, I said, 'No, this essay is not true.' "
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
*'Twas The Day After Christmas*
From my dad....
Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house, Every creature was hurting-- even the mouse.
The toys were all broken, their batteries dead; Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.
Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor, while Upstairs the family continued to snore.
And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans, Went into the kitchen and started to clean.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash, Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror.
The driver was smiling, so lively and grand; The patch on his jacket said "U.S. POSTMAN."
With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.
Bill after bill, after bill, they still came. Whistling and shouting he called them by name:
"Now Dillard's, now Broadway's, now Penney's and Sears Here's Levitz's and Target's and Mervyn's--all here!!
To the tip or your limit, every store, every mall, Now chargeaway-chargeaway-chargeaway all!"
He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work. He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.
He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road, Driving much faster with just half a load.
Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer, "ENJOY WHAT YOU GOT ... YOU'LL BE PAYING ALL YEAR!"
Author Unknown
Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house, Every creature was hurting-- even the mouse.
The toys were all broken, their batteries dead; Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.
Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor, while Upstairs the family continued to snore.
And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans, Went into the kitchen and started to clean.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash, Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror.
The driver was smiling, so lively and grand; The patch on his jacket said "U.S. POSTMAN."
With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.
Bill after bill, after bill, they still came. Whistling and shouting he called them by name:
"Now Dillard's, now Broadway's, now Penney's and Sears Here's Levitz's and Target's and Mervyn's--all here!!
To the tip or your limit, every store, every mall, Now chargeaway-chargeaway-chargeaway all!"
He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work. He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.
He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road, Driving much faster with just half a load.
Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer, "ENJOY WHAT YOU GOT ... YOU'LL BE PAYING ALL YEAR!"
Author Unknown
Monday, December 24, 2007
Saturday, December 22, 2007
How the Southern Baptist Convention has tried to keep its members from becoming Mormons. - By Neil J. Young - Slate Magazine
I listened to the podcast version of this article this morning and thought I would pass it on. I thought there were more than a couple of interesting insights. Click on the link to see the entire article.
How the Southern Baptist Convention has tried to keep its members from becoming Mormons. - By Neil J. Young - Slate Magazine: "As the race for the Republican presidential nomination heats up, the competing theologies of the front-runners are getting as much attention as their differing policy proposals. Mitt Romney, a devout Mormon and the former governor of Massachusetts, faces a tough challenge from Mike Huckabee, a Southern Baptist minister and one-time governor of Arkansas. Huckabee's surge in Iowa owes itself in part to the strength of evangelical voters there who like his values and dislike his competitor's faith. He has catered occasionally to those supporters with sly references to their belief that Mormonism is a cult, such as his recent musing—which he later apologized for—in a New York Times Magazine cover piece: 'Don't Mormons believe that Jesus and the devil are brothers?'"
Friday, December 21, 2007
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