Things you have to believe to be a Republican today

• Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you?re a conservative radio host. Then it?s an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.
  
  
  
  
• The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
  
  
  
  
• Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.
  
  
  
  
• ?Standing Tall for America? means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India.
  
  
  
  
• A woman can?t be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
  
  
  
  
• Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.
  
  
  
  
• The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans? benefits and combat pay.
  
  
  
  
• Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican.
  
  
  
  
• If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won?t have sex.
  
  
  
  
• A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.
  
  
  
  
• HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public at heart.
  
  
  
  
• Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.
  
  
  
  
• Global warming and tobacco?s link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
  
  
  
  
• Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush?s daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a ?we can?t find Bin Laden? diversion.
  
  
  
  
• A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.
  
  
  
  
• Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
  
  
  
  
• The public has a right to know about Hillary?s cattle trades, but George Bush?s driving record is none of our business.
  
  
  
  
• You support states? rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have a right to adopt.
  
  
  
  
• What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the ?80s is irrelevant.
  
  
  
  
• Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.