Anyway, in today's column, she answers the question from a woman who had two pre-school daughters, the younger of the two has autism. The woman is irritated because her mother-in-law does not treat them the same.
I understand where the woman is coming from, but I also see the side of the grandmother. I think it is great that the grandmother can give the older daughter individual attention.
The hardest part about being a parent of a child with autism is also being there for the other children. I don't think I have always succeeded there. On my recent trip to Utah, I ended up spending the majority of my time with my son John, because he needs the majority of my time sometimes. He loves his siblings, in-laws and nephews, but it is hard for him sometimes. The week before we drove to Utah he was saying "Hello, Rachel, hello Rachel" over and over again.
Barbara reminds me that it takes a village to take care of a special needs child. That is just as true in John's case at age 22 as it was when he was 3. I am very grateful for the help that we continue to get from friends, family and church members. I am also grateful for those who have given my other children attention when they needed it.
Anyway, the letter.
Dear Prudence,
I have two beautiful preschool-age daughters. My youngest was diagnosed with autism a year ago. Since the diagnosis, my mother-in-law has been treating the girls very differently, inviting only my oldest daughter to dance recitals, holiday celebrations, movies, etc. She just called to invite her on a weekend getaway. I told her no, it wouldn't be fair to my youngest daughter. I believe she is ashamed or embarrassed by my little girl. My husband doesn't understand how his mom can be this way. I am this close to prohibiting my in-laws from seeing the children. My youngest is going to understand soon that she is being excluded from events. I was so afraid of how strangers would treat her, and the real problem lies in the family. What should I do?
—Fed Up
Dear Fed Up,
Your mother-in-law may be ashamed or embarrassed, but she also may just be afraid. Afraid that a child with autism is too much for her to handle, that your youngest daughter may act up in a way that leaves her baffled and helpless. Instead of getting angry, you and your husband should have an open, nonjudgmental discussion with her. Start by saying this diagnosis is painful for all of you and means a readjustment of your expectations of your family life, but that you can all agree you love your youngest and everyone wants the best for her. Allow your mother-in-law to air her concerns, and then come up with constructive ways to address them. Educating herself and getting to know other grandparents dealing with this would be particularly helpful. Direct her to the Web site of the Autism Society of America, where she can get information about autism, find a support group in her area, and get a list of books that will help her understand her granddaughter better. You might want to give her The Way I See It, by the remarkable Temple Grandin, a distinguished scientist with autism. But also don't insist that your mother-in-law always take both girls. In any family, it's wonderful for each child to get time alone with their parents and grandparents. Your youngest daughter, by necessity, is going to require a lot of attention and extra help from you and your husband. You will all benefit if your older daughter can enjoy some special time with her grandmother.
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